I'm in danger of starting a migraine blog.

Mostly because when a migraine hits I'm stuck at school (can't drive home until my left visual field returns), too spacey to do work, and too attention deficient to read, so all I can do is blog. This one will be brief. I'd just like to point out something that I'd never noticed until my cortex started shutting down: how incredibly, mind-fuckingly red fruit punch Gatorade is. I bought a bottle to wash down some travel-sized Excedrin, and it's just sitting on my desk now, blowing me away with its Platonic ideal of redness. It's like a giant ruby that Sinbad the Sailor stole from a Roc and then mistakenly put on sale at the student store for a buck fifty. And also you can drink it and replenish your electrolytes, which you can't do with most giant rubies, only this motherfucker right here.

Things that I am crazy for not liking

Here is a brief list of things that it blows peoples minds when I say I don't like them. Dismiss me if you want, but what if I'm sane, and the rest of the world is insane?

1) The Beatles. Not in the sense of my choice in Beatles vs. Stones is Stones, although it is. If a Beatles song comes on the radio, I will change the channel. How can this be? How can I be such a hateful person? I will say that I used to like the Beatles, a lot, when I was 5. From the ages of 5-10 I liked the Beatles a huge amount. Now listening to them is like listening to running water. It is like watching the Goonies for the 78th time, but now as an adult. There's no way I'm going to get any enjoyment at all from any Beatles song. I'm sorry. (interesting note: I also loved Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass to an alarming degree when I was a wee tyke. I have no explanation for this. Also, just to add insult to injury, I still like Herb Alpert and the TJB).

2) Water. I love juice, I love soda, I love milk, I don't like water. I especially don't like water if I'm eating food. If I'm eating a delicious tuna melt made with rye bread and sharp cheddar and no goddamn celery (more on that later), and I drink a glass of water, that water tastes like a glass of water that someone very quickly dipped a tuna melt into. Tuna melt flavored water. It is gross, and I don't have to like it. I don't know how the rest of you haven't noticed this.

3) Bob Dylan. I'm willing to submit that I might eventually get into Bob Dylan when I am really old. Like when I'm 50, maybe. I enjoyed his book! So that should count for something. This one isn't really fair, I can't really honestly say that I actively dislike Bob Dylan's music, although I'm not really into it. What really, really bores me to tears is people writing about Bob Dylan. Oh my god, so boring. It makes me want to pluck out my eyes.

4) Tuna with celery. So gross! I have a childhood loathing for foods that mix textures too dramatically that I have mostly gotten over. I can now eat chili despite the fact that the texture of beans and the texture of hamburger have absolutely nothing in common with each other and have been unhappily married in this dish for centuries now. I have not gotten over tuna with celery. If you're eating fish, or any meat really, you don't want anything to crunch. Crunching means you got a gill, or a fin tumour, or something. Not delicious.

5) Tomatoes. I love cooked tomatoes, I love tomato sauce, I love ketchup (catsup?), but I hate fresh tomatoes. Haters are always like, "Oh, you just haven't ever tried a really good, fresh vine ripened tomato, where you can sink your teeth into it and it spews into your mouth all its gooey seeds and mush" and I'm like okay hater, I'm not friends with you any more. What are some other things that you enjoy eating? Babies brains that you suck through their soft spots? Because fresh tomatoes taste like little Vomit Exploderz. Seriously, the flavor of fresh tomato is strongly reminiscent of throw up. Don't get me started on Fried Green Tomatoes (the food - loved the movie).

6) Citizen Kane. Not that great. Certainly not the greatest movie ever. I don't care how revolutionary the shots were, Birth of a Nation had a lot of innovative technical achievements too, that doesn't make it the greatest ever. Did anybody really care what Rosebud was? I didn't. This movie was a snoozefest.

7) Awards shows. Timely, right? I hate awards shows. Emmys, Grammys, Golden Globes, Oscars, you name it, I hate it. I hate scripted banter that isn't funny and just makes you feel bad for famous people for being so lame. I hate acceptance speeches. You can basically just do one of four things: weepy, nervous, jokey, or straight ahead. None of these is entertaining, ever. I hate hosting. I hate song numbers, I hate dance numbers, and I hate hate song and dance numbers.

8) Garrison Keillor. AAAAAAAGH, I HATE THIS MOTHERFUCKER SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE HIS STUPID MIDDLEBROW HUMOR I HATE HIS LAME FUCKING OLD-TIMEYNESS I HATE HOW HE BLOGS ABOUT HIS SEX LIFE WITH HIS GROSS OLD BODY I JUST WANT HIM TO FUCKING DIE.

9) J.D. Salinger. It would require a whole separate blog post to really explain why I hate this bitch so much. Let's just say that I wasn't surprised when I learned he force fed his family frozen peas, because reading Catcher in the Rye was pretty much an equivalent experience.