Movie Studio Malpractice!

I am upset to learn that the new Harry Potter movie got bumped from a Christmas to a July release because Dark Knight did such awesome business last July, so therefore all big movies should now be shown in July? I don't really get it, and I am outraged. The Harry Potter movies have always been Christmas movies, even as they've gotten darker and darker. The new one will seem silly in July. Dark Knight worked in July because it's a hot, dark movie. This then led to my new theory of cinema, which is that all movies can be placed on three orthogonal axes: light-dark, hot-cold, and wet-dry. I wanted to make a 3D scatterplot to illustrate this theory, but Excel doesn't let you do that. Instead, here is a scatterplot of movies with Wet and Dry collapsed - you will have to squint your eyes and pretend you can see that dimension. Click on the pic for legible titles.

Before you die, you see...

...a couple of things! Here are some things that are like The Ring, in that my life has been ruined by them and now I must show them to you. First up, the Gray Lady's long-running, soul-sucking series, Modern Love. This one is about how a lady doesn't like to have sex with her husband. I have no problem with people whose sex drive is low. I've had to watch videos in therapy class about how to help people whose sex lives are on the fritz (answer: have your man grow an awesome mustache, stop having penetrative intercourse be the focus of your sex life, engage in "sensate focus"). What I object to is this attitude that not wanting to have sex when you're married to someone is actually, you know, really freeing and awesome and everyone should try it. Not wanting to have sex ever, for the rest of your life, is like not having a left arm. It's not the end of the world, but don't try to convince me that it's really actually pretty awesome, that instead of thinking about sex I should really try scouring flea markets for pieces of glass that I can use in my new hobby, making stained glass windows, which is actually way better than sex. Seriously, that's the argument. Ugh, where do they find these people?

Here is a second thing that has ruined my life: Vector TD. It only ruins your life for a few days before it gets so ridiculously hard that it's not addictive any more (wtf, no fucking left turn? So hard!!!!!). Also I'm way more prone to video game addiction than most people, so this may not have any influence on you at all. Why am I so video game addiction prone, it is the lamest of all addictions. I think it's from my mom, who is not allowed to do jigsaw puzzles because when we were kids she would get so engrossed that she would forget to make dinner. We would always start the puzzle and then get frustrated and we'd be like "Mom, come help!" and then she would take over and not stop for hours and we'd wake up the next morning and she'd be in her bathrobe doing the puzzle again.

In any event, I like Vector TD because although it seems like it is about lasers and missiles and whatnot, it is actually about what a fucking force of nature compound interest is. The trick is to abstain from buying fancy weapons and amass a small kitty of loot towards the start of the game and then when you win a bonus, never pick increased fire power or weapon range, instead always increase the interest rate that you earn on your money. Every round of the game is like a financial quarter where interest earned is compounded back to the principal. If you play your cards right, you will be so fucking rich towards the end of the game that you can basically put missiles onto lasers inside of bombs. If you fritter away your principal at the start of the game on shiny new weapons, then you will end up destitute and the aliens will destroy you. This is a valuable lesson for kids to learn, I feel. Seriously, if you could go into debt and they had like little alien payday lenders who would engage in predatory lending and then repossess the weapons you already had, this would be some good edutainment.

Do public school kids spend a lot of time learning about compound interest? Man, they hammered that shit home in private school. They were like, don't tell anyone, but this is how rich people stay so fucking rich. The word problems were all about Granville Estinghouse IV being unable to pay off his gambling debts because his grandfather had set up a spendthrift trust which restrained the alienation of the interest, and then he's approached by Moshe Ratfinkelstein and offered a loan at usurious rates and what should he do, etc. Haha, kidding! We did learn about the perils of dipping into principal, though. Take home message: if you have any spare cash at all and you are young and you haven't started an IRA, seriously, start an IRA.

Jesus is the reason for the season

Adrian: I think I found you a Christmas present, but I'm worried it's not appropriate.
Me: Not appropriate? What is it, porn?
Adrian: No! Yes.
Me: But I love porn.
Adrian: It's dog porn.
Me: Like dogs and humans?
Adrian: No, dogs and dogs.
Me: Dogs humping dogs isn't porn, it's America's Funniest Home Videos.
Adrian: It's dogs humping dogs, but set to techno.
Me: (silence, mind appropriately blown).

I still don't know what Adrian meant by "not appropriate". It seems I won't find out 'til Christmas day. However, I did discover that there does in fact exist video of dogs humping away to pounding techno beats, as one would suspect, the internets being what they are. Note that it's NOT dogs humping dogs as the good Lord intended, and therefore is TRFW, too risque for work.